Falsely Safe

Bronstein’s bailout package came in and once again I felt falsely safe. After a shower, shave, a couple of more smokes and another cup of coffee I felt even more falsely safe. The Countess wrote me to say her students are now quoting me and I felt even more falsely safe. Through it all, I continue to smoke and drink coffee, look around, feel the world and wish to the heavens I could really understand there is no safety.

I’m already tired of doing the “right” thing, tired of trying to relate to those who believe that if they do the “right” things, all will turn out in one big happy ending. I’m tired of getting up every day and searching for a way to fit in and tired of my reflection smiling and turning to doubt. Of course, I’ll continue on because safety lurks in my mind. It speaks to me constantly about my body and what I need to do to protect it. I light another cigarette in rebellion against my body, my fear and all that represents the lie everyone embraces.

I put on the Pixies which seemed to ease my false safety. There is nothing better to do at the moment and music sooths my soul, even when it’s hardly soothing. Words of angst grind on my falsity and it runs out the door. I am left with a feeling I’ll dissolve at any moment and won’t have to go on those stupid interviews, won’t have to tell the gatekeepers what they want to hear and finally reclaim my righteousness. The feelings that resonate with a righteous act of denial can feel like smooth glass, silk sheets and vanilla milkshakes. The air gives off the scent that I still don’t have words for, but clean clothes come to mind.

I sat back and let incredibly loud music pulverize its way into my soul. Flashes of the crazies, the med line, steel cots and falsely concerned faces of shrinks filled my internal vision. I do not see with my eyes; my dreams during sleep remind me of this.

I heard the insanity of schizophrenic speak, smelled the stale air of asylums and remembered that through all, the madness the so called patients never uttered a falsely safe word. I smiled and opened my eyes, decided I wasn’t hungry and walked out into the world without one iota of safe feeling. Suddenly I felt incredibly safe.

~ by bindo on November 18, 2008.